Pillow Talk.

I am sitting at gate G9 at the airport in Minneapolis headed to Oslo, relishing in the mix of languages mixing just out of ear shot. I can tell by the way their lips are moving it ain’t American. On my route through the crowds to G9 to sit with the UN delegation, I was reminded of just how close we are to a complete physiological collapse in this country. The number of people that look like their one soda pop away from a total shut down should remind us all to turn off the process poison tap, eat some grass fed beef, churn your own butter, and start a garden - me included. And it wasn’t just the look of death the travelers were carrying, it was the slow procession past gates in their flip flops. I think people who wear flip flops to an airport are in line for the next Darwin award. That is another clear sign of our impending collapse, but yet there is one more indicator. A sign maybe you have missed. Allow me…

I am referring to the portion of the American (I have not noticed this at International terminals or at airports on soil abroad) population that has made the conscious decision to carry a pillow from the privacy of their sleeping arrangements, to the airport, and aboard commercial planes carrying 150-525 innocent bystanders. This, my fellow travelers, is a sign of the end times. This is the kind of thing that can unravel the last thread of human decency and topple a people group. I am talking about a people group who are surviving on the internet and garbage shaped like food (which admittedly is deceivingly delicious) will be obliterated at last. The god of comfort will destroy us.

Shall we dissect a bit? Firstly, your pillow does not need to leave your bedroom for a ride on an airplane or to occupy any other public space. Your desire for a little comfort should not override the idea of safe travel amongst potentially hundreds (this is math) of others nor should it destroy the thinly veiled facade that we, at the very least, care for ourselves and our things. Simply, our caring starts at home with the care of the pillow. Before the comfort lump and it’s case is dragged away from where it belongs, its life expectancy is already quite short. Mites, secretion, tics, dirt, oils, and tears cut it short. The short life of a pillow was not meant for an expensive trip nor was it meant to scrape up against others in the airport or limit your ability to walk through the herds of luggage. Your pillow is a stay at home item with a short shelf life. It is exposed to much and needs to be treated thusly.

*If you do not replace your pillow frequently or at least wash your pillowcase regularly, this is your reminder.

With that reminder, I hope we would all aspire to be a type of decent human being in which a ride to the airport would include a quick trip to a dumpster, first, before heading to the ticket counter. Though, the dumpster next to the airport is not filling up like it should. I have seen the state of the pillows and their cases people are bringing on board and they looked like they were in fact retrieved from the dumpster. We are now on board and the aforementioned pillow protocols were not adhered to and this has become a public health concern. The dirty pillowcase that has been leaked on nightly via a range of orifices and perhaps shared with a pet or others in your household should not be propped up against me or others on a flight. We already dodged you in your pajama pants (not meant for public pants) in the middle of the terminal while you were trying to get something you do not need from your backpack covered in keychains. It was dragged all over tarnation from it’s home and through security and now its next to my head and body and smells like you - the personal hormonal you that is not meant for me. This might kill me and I begrudgingly pay taxes and love my kids and vote and care and treat people with respect and buy homeless guys burgers and donate and pray for the women in Afghanistan. Leave it at home.

I am not as afraid of the germs and lice and smell that ruins the flight as I am of the lack of your spatial and self awareness. The pillow that doesn’t fit in your seat, but touches everything around me says “My comfort above all else”. Comfort is not everything. It is in fact an extremely selfish life choice and reveals a lot about you and your future with your defiled lump of processed cotton. It looks bleak. All about your “comfort” is for people with terminal disease, chemo patients, women in labor, and those who can’t make the flight, etc. Your two hour flight to Houston is not that. Again, you’ve told the whole entire world and everyone living in it that comfort is more important than your fellow man and your ability to survive any hardship - including sitting in a chair for a few hours so that you can get somewhere conveniently while someone paid to be nice serves you drinks and collects your trash.

Keep the pillow at home or toss it in a dumpster and replace it when you get home. Bring a book, listen to a podcast, grab a newspaper that has been discarded at the gate. Bring crayons or a pencil or some embroidery thread or some paper to fold into airplanes for the kid crying in 26C. If you are wanting to rest on the flight, bring a small travel pillow that can be kept in a clean in a case while passing through security and used in the small space allotted to passengers. I have wheeled my suitcase all over the streets of Nairobi, New York City, and Redding, CA and then plopped it down on the security belt and next comes your pillow. Your travel pillow can avoid all of this. Your fat queen sized pillow from your bed cannot. I care about you. I don’t want your life to be sad because its all about you choosing comfort over the health and safety and emotional needs of yourself and others. When you brush by people in the plane aisle I want them to think “I hope they are sitting next to me” and not “ Please, please, please No.” I want your life to be full of meaningful conversations with people next to you on your flight, meet a potential soulmate, meet Jesus, close a business deal, learn something new , or get an aisle/window seat combo with someone who respects your space -lets you use their arm rest while you dose off while they, God forbid, watch something R rated across the aisle from a child.

You and your pillowcase deserve better than one way ticket to sad town. Leave the case at home tumbling in the dryer and buy it a new insert friend on your trip home. Sit up straight, wear your favorite pants and socks, order a Cranberry juice or coffee with cream, and act respectable when someone comes to collect your trash. Do your part. Don’t give me your bed bugs or a whiff of your slobber. I don’t want it to be the end times just yet, unless it is the rapture kind - that’ll be wild.

faith Salutes air etiquette.

PS I know what you must be thinking. But FAITH, I have seen pictures of you sleeping in airports all over the world and on the ground. The floor is dirty and covered in bad choices. Isn’t this the same type of violation? Perhaps that is up for debate. I have written a formal rebuttal if you so inquire.